I meant to post more often after my last post, but things haven’t been too good here. The UK has been going through a heatwave, so I haven’t been able to sleep very much, although it has cooled down a bit now. I’ve started volunteering for the Citizen’s Advice Bureau in my town, which should hopefully help my employment prospects, and I have taken the exam for a Personal License (for working in a bar) although I haven’t had the results yet.
Mentally, things haven’t been so good. I’ve been feeling rather down, tired, and weary. I’ve often found myself thinking hateful thoughts about myself, and wanting to self harm, although I have so far resisted the temptation. Over the past couple of days I’ve found myself thinking more about suicide, although I have no actual plans, just a vague desire for life to end. It is intermittent – sometimes I feel reasonably OK, but at other times I really don’t, and end up staring into space thinking bad thoughts even while I’m in the pub with lots of other people.
I’m not really sure what to do – I’m seeing my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks – she rearranged my appointment, which was supposed to be this week – but I don’t want my medication increased. I should probably not be drinking so much, but as per usual for me I have turned to it as a means of self-medicating.
Spiritually things are bad – I have been going to church, and to the discussion group I go to on a Thursday, but aside from church prayers I haven’t really been talking to God. I just can’t see why he would want to listen to me, I don’t even want to listen to myself. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, and that is partly why I haven’t been posting – I don’t feel I have anything worthwhile to say about faith right now.
I’m sure it will get better soon, hopefully before I see the psychiatrist. Recently, when I have had a downturn I have recovered fairly quickly. I just feel tired now, tired and rather sad. I seem to have lost my hope. Sorry.
Believer's Brain 
Hi Emma, perhaps this is the moment you have something to say about Faith. God is listening because he is love. So what is Faith like when you walking through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. I will be praying for you.
God always wants to hear from you. He loves you with an everlasting love. He created your inmost being (see Psalm 139). Even when you don’t know what to pray, Romans 8:26 says, “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” Exercise too.
God always wants to hear from you. He loves you with an everlasting love. He created your inmost being (see Psalm 139). Even when you don’t know what to pray, Romans 8:26 says, “…the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.” God has a purpose and plan for your life. Jeremiah 29:11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Exercise helps too. I try to ride a bike for 45 minutes a day or walk with a friend for an hour at a good pace. Your blog has helped me. Thank you for your efforts in writing it. I will pray for you.
My experience was of finding God in my darkness, it was in answering darkness with faith that I first felt the presence of God.
We are told to “Be still and know that I am God.” I always find that when I shut out the voice of the world, and then silence my own inner voice, then I feel the presence of God the strongest. This has been a tremendous refuge to me.
I thought this was a blogsite for the mentaly ill people known as “believers”????….then i look at the comments given to this distraught person with obvious mental illness and i see that it is advise from other mentally ill people…..”believers”…..lol…