I meant to post more often after my last post, but things haven’t been too good here. The UK has been going through a heatwave, so I haven’t been able to sleep very much, although it has cooled down a bit now. I’ve started volunteering for the Citizen’s Advice Bureau in my town, which should hopefully help my employment prospects, and I have taken the exam for a Personal License (for working in a bar) although I haven’t had the results yet.
Mentally, things haven’t been so good. I’ve been feeling rather down, tired, and weary. I’ve often found myself thinking hateful thoughts about myself, and wanting to self harm, although I have so far resisted the temptation. Over the past couple of days I’ve found myself thinking more about suicide, although I have no actual plans, just a vague desire for life to end. It is intermittent – sometimes I feel reasonably OK, but at other times I really don’t, and end up staring into space thinking bad thoughts even while I’m in the pub with lots of other people.
I’m not really sure what to do – I’m seeing my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks – she rearranged my appointment, which was supposed to be this week – but I don’t want my medication increased. I should probably not be drinking so much, but as per usual for me I have turned to it as a means of self-medicating.
Spiritually things are bad – I have been going to church, and to the discussion group I go to on a Thursday, but aside from church prayers I haven’t really been talking to God. I just can’t see why he would want to listen to me, I don’t even want to listen to myself. I feel like I’m just going through the motions, and that is partly why I haven’t been posting – I don’t feel I have anything worthwhile to say about faith right now.
I’m sure it will get better soon, hopefully before I see the psychiatrist. Recently, when I have had a downturn I have recovered fairly quickly. I just feel tired now, tired and rather sad. I seem to have lost my hope. Sorry.